


That's not lasagna

by Lady_Kit



Series: 12 Days of Shipmas [10]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - PTAtale, Bigotry & Prejudice, M/M, Undertale Monsters on the Surface, gender-fluid skeleton, humans are dicks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 17:16:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13252887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Kit/pseuds/Lady_Kit
Summary: Papyrus didn’t correct her about being parents—they were here as Frisk’s uncles—but as he studied the pamphlets, he felt compelled to say, gently, “MADAM, I’M AFRAID YOU’RE MISINFORMED.” He drew himself up, ready to guide her away from her faulty assumptions. Edge, however, knew better. He recognized the manic gleam in her eye; this was a True Believer and nothing anyone said was going to shake her faith.__________Linda is not prepared for this.





	That's not lasagna

Edge stared hard at the substance in the tray. “What the fuck is this?” he asked, poking at it with a spatula. Papyrus leaned over, eyeing it.

“HMM. THAT’S A GOOD QUESTION, MY LOVE. I’M NOT ENTIRELY SURE.” Together, they contemplated the mass of what appeared to be tomatoes and…was that cheese? It was rather hard to tell. Not wanting to hold up the line, Papyrus turned to the woman standing beside them. “EXCUSE ME, MADAM! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS DISH IS?”

The woman—mouth pinched and sour-looking—lifted her chin and sniffed derisively. “It’s _lasagna_ ,” she said coolly, then turned to the man beside her. Edge could very nearly hear her rolling her eyes. Under her breath, but still loud enough for them to hear, she said, “I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. Their people have been living under a rock for who knows how long.” Turning back to them, she said, very slowly, “It’s made out of marinara sauce, vegan cheese, and zucchini.”

Edge blinked. “ _Excuse me?_ ”

She turned her attention away from Papyrus and instead looked at Edge, taking in his scarred features and his worn leather jacket. Her lip curled a bit. Papyrus, dressed in a cherry-print dress and a shawl, apparently wasn’t half as distasteful. “You’re from one of those—“ She gestured loosely. “—Fallen places, aren’t you?” She looked him up and down, taking in the scuffed boots and the torn jeans. “Yes. I can see that you are. Do you at least speak English?”

His sockets narrowed. “Yes,” he said stiffly, “I speak English.” Probably more fluently than she did. “I’m just puzzled over the notion of lasagna made with zucchini.” At least that explained why the ‘lasagna’ was so…juicy.

“Hmph. It’s gluten-free,” she said, as if that explained everything.

“OH? DOES SOMEONE ON THE PTA HAVE CELIAC DISEASE?” Papyrus asked. Before she could answer, he turned to Edge and asked, “DO YOU HAVE ANY GLUTEN-FREE DESERT RECIPES? WE WOULDN’T WANT ANYONE TO MISS OUT ON YOUR AMAZING COOKING DUE TO A FAULT IN THEIR DIGESTIVE TRACT! NYEH HEH HEH!”

Edge dropped his gaze, blushing faintly. “I could probably—“

The woman huffed again. “No one has Celia disease or whatever.” Sighing heavily, she spoke very slowly, as if afraid they wouldn’t understand otherwise. “Gluten causes autism. So do milk products.” Both of them stared at her for an extended moment. She continued, “You must have kids, if you’re on the PTA. You should know this. Here.” She pushed a pamphlets at them until Papyrus was forced to take them or risk being rude. “As parents, it’s our job to protect our children. Part of that is being properly informed.”

Papyrus didn’t correct her about being parents—they were here as Frisk’s uncles—but as he studied the pamphlets, he felt compelled to say, gently, “MADAM, I’M AFRAID YOU’RE MISINFORMED.” He drew himself up, ready to guide her away from her faulty assumptions. Edge, however, knew better. He recognized the manic gleam in her eye; this was a True Believer and nothing anyone said was going to shake her faith. He clutched Papyrus’ arm and pulled him away, avoiding the ‘lasagna’ entirely.

“Papyrus,” he said under his breath, “don’t argue with crazy. You’re not going to win.”

“BUT MAYBE—“

“ _No_ ,” Edge said. For a moment, Papyrus looked slightly hurt. Edge sighed, putting a soothing hand on Papyrus’ lumbar spine as he guided both of them toward the table. “It’s not that important anyway.” Under his breath, he added, “Even if that _dish_ is an insult to the entire country of Italy. Not to mention the very notion of cooking. If you’re going to make gluten-free noodles, then I can’t understand why you wouldn’t make them out of quinoa flour anyway. It has similar properties, and most importantly, _they’re still fucking noodles._ ”

Papyrus smiled at his indignation, saying, “ALRIGHT. IF YOU INSIST.”

They seated themselves at the table, looking over the meeting notes for that evening. Edge stared at it for several seconds, trying to comprehend. “Papyrus…” he said slowly, “am I misreading this?” Up at the top of the page, it read ‘Item 1: Monster integration’. Which was fine. This was the first year that monster students would be allowed to attend human schools. However, several lines beneath that it read ‘Magic suppression collars’.

Papyrus studied the sheet of paper, his features frozen in his customary smile. “I don’t believe you are,” he said, voice soft. Edge turned to regard him, instincts alerting him to coming danger. Papyrus put the paper down and laid his hands overtop it. Neither of them reached for their plates; they weren’t hungry anymore.

Scooting closer, Edge asked, “You have a plan?”

Papyrus watched the humans take their seats. “Follow my lead,” he said. Edge nodded and settled back in his chair.

As the humans settled in, the woman that had tried to convince them that wheat and dairy products caused developmental disabilities stood up and surveyed everyone. It was only then that Edge realized that he and Papyrus were the only monsters present. Reaching into an inner pocket, he pulled out a notebook and scribbled a quick note— _bring reinforcements_ —and showed it to Papyrus, who gave a stiff nod. Still smiling.

“Good evening, everyone!” she said, unable to wipe the sour expression off her face, even when she was trying to be cheerful. “For those of you who don’t know—“ Her tone made it obvious what she thought of anyone that needed this information. “—my name is Linda, and I’ll be heading the PTA this year. I’m looking forward to working with each and every one of you to make this the best year our school’s ever had!”

Polite applause followed this insincere announcement. Edge didn’t clap, but Papyrus gently tapped his metacarpals together, creating a soft _tick tick tick_ sound. He was still smiling fiercely, and Edge couldn’t help but imagine that he would look much the same if he were heading into battle. “Now, let’s get down to business,” she said, clearing her throat and shuffling her papers.

“EXCUSE ME?” Papyrus said, raising a hand, “WHAT’S THIS ABOUT MAGIC-SUPPRESSING COLLARS?”

Linda blinked. “We haven’t gotten to that yet, Mrs…?”

Papyrus laid a hand overtop Edge’s, squeezing the metacarpals lovingly. “OH, WE’RE NOT MARRIED AND I’M NOT FEMALE. BUT THAT’S OKAY. I KNOW IT’S AN EASY MISTAKE FOR HUMANS TO MAKE. DON’T FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF.” Linda’s face froze, twisting into a confused mask.

“But you’re wearing…? What do you mean you’re not female?”

“PLEASE, LINDA. NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO DISCUSS MONSTER GENITALIA.” Edge covered his mouth, watching the shock and horror replace the confusion on Linda’s face. “SO, ABOUT THOSE MAGIC-SUPPRESSING COLLARS?”

Linda cleared her throat, shuffling her papers again. “Yes,” she said, her cheeks red. From embarrassment or anger, it was impossible to tell. “For the sake of the other students’ safety, it seems wise to have the monster children…contained.”

“I SEE. ARE YOU AWARE OF THE CURRENT LAWSUIT BEING LEVELED AGAINST THE MANUFACTURERS OF SUCH DEVICES?”

She blinked. “I’m sorry? I wasn’t—“

“OH, YES. IT COULD GO ALL THE WAY TO THE SUPREME COURT. UNDER THE NEW MONSTER RIGHTS AMENDMENT, IT MAY BE CONSIDERED A CIVIL RIGHTS VIOLATION.”

She cleared her throat, drawing herself up. “Well. I haven’t heard anything about that. Until the courts make a decision—“

“YOU WANT TO LEAVE THE SCHOOL OPEN TO A LAWSUIT? THAT SEEMS SOMEWHAT IRRESPONSIBLE, DON’T YOU THINK?”

“And what if a monster child harms a human child?”

“I fail to see how that would be any different from the reverse,” Edge said coolly. “Monster magic is based on intent. At this age, children can only rarely muster up the ill intent required to actually harm someone. It’s not so different from the rough-housing common among human children.”

She stared hard at him. “And what would someone like you know about children?”

He raised a brow-bone. “I’m getting my degree in human development, Linda. I’ll be graduating this year, actually. What are your qualifications, if I may ask?”

She sputtered wordlessly, glaring at both of them. “Well. I suppose we’ll just have to put the matter to a vote.” She surveyed the rest of the PTA. “On the matter of magic suppression collars, yea or nay?”

The remaining humans almost universally opposed Linda’s proposition. Under the table, Edge and Papyrus fist-bumped. This bitch had no idea what she was in for

**Author's Note:**

> I really, really love the PTAU guys. Just. So much.


End file.
